How to control your energy.

Something that I’ve struggled with for a long time is how to control my energy. I’ve experienced a lot in life and desperate for coaching in the darkness I would reach out for help. I’ve traveled and lived in many places and several people have lent me the advice that I’m running away however before my journey began I already planned my journey with intention of not running but going within. However every place I moved the similar thing would happen but this time at an even more degrading level.

In the 23 Ways Barbie Represented the Divine Feminine blog post I shared that after hearing a meditation that had the frequency of Barbie in it, it woke up the frequency in Barbie that was inside of me (sounds very mythological doesn’t it).  Well I noticed that after listening to this recording men became more sexually attracted to my body. I was like a magnet to them (or perhaps it was the other way around). The sexual attraction turned to sexual entitlement over my body and so I started  looking for a solution. Mind you in this time my chronic health problems were getting worse.

I’m someone who lives to break the cycle and wherever I was the cycle would break. But instead of breaking into good it broke into something worse. I was attending a online training for one of my businesses and a woman shared that during her journey she reached out to a crisis therapist (I don’t remember the exact term that she used). And the moment that she mentioned that I knew that was my next step in my healing journey. However I had a problem. I had been looking for one.

I had even met with a friend from college whose now a therapist and we couldn’t find one for me. When I initially moved I had been hoping to meet with Dr. Alicia Dukhov because I had found her podcast and youtube channel and she specializes in imagery through trauma which if you’ve listened to the podcast or read my blog you’ll notice that I use imagery a lot. Yes there’s a metaphor however I also literally think in pictures.

The only problem is that I’ve noticed is that parts of my journey are really hard to admit to another woman. I’ve also noticed that a lot of ladies often tend to not be able to accept my story and I don’t think it’s anything against anyone, the reason why I think it happens is that if they acknowledge that what I’m saying is true it reflects back to something inside of them and so it’s easier for them to believe me.

However for me I don’t have the option. I need help.

So after hearing how this woman in my business class found a crisis counselor I pulled out my phone and I searched crisis counselors. Mind you, I have no insurance, or funds and right now I don’t qualify for it either. Also, who alive would believe me?

I knew, just looking at the results that I had no hope. I don’t know what made me do this but for some reason I signed into an old email account. And right there the first email was from Kendall Ficklin, I recognized the name from my days in ET’s motivational group Breathe University and he was offering free 30 minute slots and accompanying was a video that he filmed about red, green, and yellow lights which right now I don’t quite remember the message but all I knew is that I’m at a red light, I need it to turn green.  I don’t have any money. And I don’t know how to turn my light green.

I never do this. I literally never do this. I’ve received tons of “free coaching” offers and have only ever booked one before with someone else who turned my coaching session into an opportunity to try and capitalize on the bad things about myself. Which didn’t shake out so well for her, I was a very good sales associate for Victoria’s Secret and I never believed in selling to a woman based on the low points of how she felt about herself, it’s just a personal principle for me. I’ve never done that. The same thing goes when I was a personal trainer and would run my own in-person and online training consultations. You could ask any of my clients or V.S. customers, I never once took a woman or man down to sell.

Because I’m a coach I often look into others coaching style. With Mr. Ficklin (who goes by Coach K) I didn’t. All I did was go to his youtube and look at the home video. His home video was a video of him and his wife renewing their vows. They had just renewed them I think the year before. I looked at the way he was holding her waist, I looked at how her body responded to him. And I knew this was someone who really loved his wife. I said, this is a man who’s safe enough to hear my story. See a lot of men when they see that a woman is in need (well I can’t say that in terms of a blanket statement) but to be so vulnerable about something so personal gives a man a lot of leverage over me.

“Well this women is lost. She’s vulnerable. I can use this to my advantage.”

The way he looked at his wife, I was like, “He really loves her.” ET and CJ, his former mentors – one of their core principles that they preach about is commitment to their wives. I remembered seeing him at one of ET’s conferences, and I remembered him from one of the Facebook groups somehow, he had this presences. Months later I would discover that He was the first email in my inbox, literally popped up there. And also, and I don’t know why this comforted me but he was this street dude. He wasn’t this spiritual guru. He was a barber – barbers are literally staples in the Black community. He had always ran several hustlers, cleaning business, building up a huge barbershop, becoming an author and later a best selling speaking business. I admire people who actually do their reps. I didn’t need some spiritual guru. I needed a guy who was from the hood because I life was going hood on me. Little did I know that Coach K was about as spiritually grounded as they come…

I shared with him what many except for a special handful of people would not believe, that wherever I move I’m raped. And I prefaced it with a rep that a knew that women as whole cannot understand, “Women’s bodies are the Holy Spirit who is a woman named Asherah.” And once realizing that he wasn’t so mentally stopped by the rep that he could take the next one I vulnerably shared a tiny bit about my story and my body changes that wherever I’ve moved too men rape me. He asked for clarification and I came clean that it’s both physical in all kinds of ways, if I’m depressed or suicidal suicide itself will then become a being that  rapes me. And wherever I go men are pursuing me, it’s like I’m attracting them to rape me (I didn’t go into details about the types of rape because this was already vulnerable enough and one thing that I’ve learned the hard way is that people will dismiss you if the rapes aren’t how society often tells you too). He understood though,

“If you can see something then it must me that you can do something about it.” This was similar to what one of my French Kiss Life sisters had told me, that something is making me pay, it doesn’t want to be found out and it’s making me pay.

Wait, pause. I’m writing this at 6:17am he actually didn’t start with that, that was much deeper into our discussion. After hearing my problem he started off with asking me questions and I felt like such a fool, here I thought I was doing every rep in the book and Coach K was very professional about it as he asked,

“Are you fasting?”

“Are you meditating?”

“Are you praying?”

And then he kindly let me know that there was no coach for this. “You keep on looking for all these coaches but there is no coach for this.” I cannot tell you how much it felt like a weight had been lifted off. I’m someone who believes if you don’t know the answers, humbling yourself and asking someone else – and that’s what I’ve attempted to do, I hated putting something so personal and vulnerable out there but I needed help. And I would try different training techniques and often would end up hurt.  I wouldn’t know what to do because I’ve literally created reps from scratch and tried the reps of others.

Some of the guidance that Coach K gave me was really hard, like believing, this is still something that I’m working on.

The rest of the conversation I’ll keep private (although what I just shared is the crux of it, I hope it can help someone else as guiding points in their own journey that they themselves are living without a coaching guide for). I’ll be honest, I cried the entire phone call. And here’s the thing, it wasn’t crying out of fear.

Imagine not knowing not having any control over anything that happens to you or who has access to you. And then suddenly (and I knew this the moment our phone call began) there is something about Coach K’s power where I knew for the next 30 minutes no physical or spiritual demons were going to touch. I don’t even remember that feeling anymore. It feels like a dream. Like I’m standing on the shore looking at an island that is slowly drifting out into the fog.