One of my favorite style
YouTuber’s is a woman who comes from a small town in the south and has a sense of style that is both sexy, sophisticated, and ultra feminine. Recently she’s transitioned from doing as much as she usually does with style and instead has begun sharing her lessons around marriage and feminine energy. And every time she does it breaks my heart because I think of my own past abusive relationship, I think of the abusive relationships that I’ve seen around me and I think of my experience working at RAINN where I met thousands of women, men, and children in horrible situations and my heart sinks.
And it’s not just her. Whether it’s TikTok, Podcasts, or YouTube there are endless experts of relationships who have never lived their principles or vetted them. Now in this lady’s example she has lived her principle and vetted them, but she did it in the place of being from a small town girl, with an incredibly stable immediate family and being financially independent (which she never highlights but it’s a very important factor, early in her channel she had to go to her husband for money, now she creates her own), a place of having a stable family. Often for a lot of us that isn’t our circumstances. You would have no idea of the scores of women I would see when I used to work at a Victoria’s Secret sales associate who had to ask their husband for money to buy their underwear.
This blog is called Underneath Your Lingerie because I want to give women the feeling back to them of being worthy and gorgeous in their bodies. Whether we come from a place where we were given the picture perfect life or whether we come from less than ideal circumstances you as a woman deserve to feel like a woman while you are living.
So how can we as women who perhaps come from less than perfect circumstances live from our feminine energy? Well #1. The first key is of femininity (which is a slightly different thing than feminine energy but I’m using the two terms interchangeably here) is being positive.
“I’m open too..”
“What if it goes well?”
“What if I have fun?”
“What if I succeed?”
“What if it works out?”
“I’m open to this working out.”
“I’m open to being able to find a way.”
“I’m open to this process being easier than I thought.”
Along with this goes personal mindset coaching,
For moments that you’ve messed up, quoting from Wes Watson here, “I did a rep and I benched it.”
Or, in my words – “I made a mistake and I’m so grateful.”
One day while watching an old Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show I saw a model off on the side of the catwalk looking wistfully at Tyra Banks walking down the catwalk. The model looked vaguely familiar so I took a second look at her and realized I was witnessing an extremely young Adriana Lima. It was Adriana Lima before she realized she was THE Adriana Lima. I’m someone who always beats myself to the ground so over time I’ve had to tell myself from time to time, “That was a pre-Adriana Lima moment.”
I always ask myself…
“How can I style this?”
“How soft can I be in this situation?”
“How can I simplify “goddess” this?
“How can I do this in a more feminine way?”
I don’t remember where I read this but I once read the sentence of when it comes to counseling yourself telling yourself… “We’re going to take a new approach. We’re going to stand in a fresh new energy because maybe you’ve got this.”
Just as I use the word “How” , “I’m open to”, I also use the words “Perhaps” and “It’s possible.”
And lastly I try to remind myself that only champagne and wineglass (i.e. “classy & couture”) things pass through these lips.
This is the first part to being a feminine woman. So it’s like the words that I shared with you are the outside to the lacey lingerie dress and the silk and satin lining to the dress is this next step.
Dr. Kathour Darmoni once shared a story during one of her classes that when she was a little girl she Aunt had threatened suicide if she was forced to enter a marriage with a certain man in her village that she didn’t feel comfortable with. Her grandmother held a high position in the village, Dr. Darmoni was a little girl at the time and her grandmother took Dr. Kathour Darmoni with her and went to the circle where all the important men in the village were. She says she’ll always remember it, because she was so tiny and she was sitting next to her grandma in this circle full of men and her grandma announced to these “important men” that her daughter (Dr. Kathour’s aunt) “Will not marry that man.”
Dr. Darmoni says that her grandma’s breasts bellowed as she spoke the words and all these village elders listened to her and indeed her aunt didn’t have to marry that man. So if when your angry speaking from your breasts could save a woman from an arranged marriage what can it do for you?
The second tip that Dr. Kathour Darmoni shares is created what I’ve termed “velvet memories.” The way this works is in private that you rehearse what you are going to say with your velvet moving along with your lips. If you need to know what your velvet it just look between your thighs. So using your velvet and your mouth you start practicing the conversation. I’m still practicing this but what Dr. Darmoni counsels is when in a conversation with the person that you are practicing this conversation for then as you are speaking to them use your velvet. She says that almost every-time she has done this she has won the conversation.
YouTuber’s is a woman who comes from a small town in the south and has a sense of style that is both sexy, sophisticated, and ultra feminine. Recently she’s transitioned from doing as much as she usually does with style and instead has begun sharing her lessons around marriage and feminine energy. And every time she does it breaks my heart because I think of my own past abusive relationship, I think of the abusive relationships that I’ve seen around me and I think of my experience working at RAINN where I met thousands of women, men, and children in horrible situations and my heart sinks.
And it’s not just her. Whether it’s TikTok, Podcasts, or YouTube there are endless experts of relationships who have never lived their principles or vetted them. Now in this lady’s example she has lived her principle and vetted them, but she did it in the place of being from a small town girl, with an incredibly stable immediate family and being financially independent (which she never highlights but it’s a very important factor, early in her channel she had to go to her husband for money, now she creates her own), a place of having a stable family. Often for a lot of us that isn’t our circumstances. You would have no idea of the scores of women I would see when I used to work at a Victoria’s Secret sales associate who had to ask their husband for money to buy their underwear.
Society has devauled woman.
This blog is called Underneath Your Lingerie because I want to give women the feeling back to them of being worthy and gorgeous in their bodies. Whether we come from a place where we were given the picture perfect life or whether we come from less than ideal circumstances you as a woman deserve to feel like a woman while you are living.
So how can we as women who perhaps come from less than perfect circumstances live from our feminine energy? Well #1. The first key is of femininity (which is a slightly different thing than feminine energy but I’m using the two terms interchangeably here) is being positive.
Women who are in their feminine have a positive outlook in life.
A few examples… “What if…”
“I’m open too..”
“What if it goes well?”
“What if I have fun?”
“What if I succeed?”
“What if it works out?”
“I’m open to this working out.”
“I’m open to being able to find a way.”
“I’m open to this process being easier than I thought.”
Along with this goes personal mindset coaching,
For moments that you’ve messed up, quoting from Wes Watson here, “I did a rep and I benched it.”
Or, in my words – “I made a mistake and I’m so grateful.”
One day while watching an old Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show I saw a model off on the side of the catwalk looking wistfully at Tyra Banks walking down the catwalk. The model looked vaguely familiar so I took a second look at her and realized I was witnessing an extremely young Adriana Lima. It was Adriana Lima before she realized she was THE Adriana Lima. I’m someone who always beats myself to the ground so over time I’ve had to tell myself from time to time, “That was a pre-Adriana Lima moment.”
I always ask myself…
“How can I style this?”
“How soft can I be in this situation?”
“How can I simplify “goddess” this?
“How can I do this in a more feminine way?”
I don’t remember where I read this but I once read the sentence of when it comes to counseling yourself telling yourself… “We’re going to take a new approach. We’re going to stand in a fresh new energy because maybe you’ve got this.”
Just as I use the word “How” , “I’m open to”, I also use the words “Perhaps” and “It’s possible.”
And lastly I try to remind myself that only champagne and wineglass (i.e. “classy & couture”) things pass through these lips.
This is the first part to being a feminine woman. So it’s like the words that I shared with you are the outside to the lacey lingerie dress and the silk and satin lining to the dress is this next step.
Setting boundaries so you can be soft.
And I think this is where just about every feminine coach hasn’t taught which is interesting because all of the advice I’m about to share with you I’ve actually gotten from other coaches who mention this in passing but really it’s like if your not using this as your silk lining the dress your wearing is just sheer and everyone and their mama can peek in. Taylor Carr once mentioned how we as women tend to throw up masculine shields to protect ourselves. It’s so important to set up boundaries that allow your softness. To quote Taylor you can shake your shoulders a bit for your body language in a flirty way and say things such as, “No I’m good, thank you so much I really appreciate it.” “No, that doesn’t work for me but thank you.” And if your on a date and someone offers for you to come in but you don’t want too… “No, I think I’m going to past tonight but thank you so much.” The beauty youtuber that I mentioned in the beginning of this blog does have small little things that she does that are so powerful that every woman should learn, it’s not all bad. Things so nuance that if your from a professional environment it might notable at first, i.e. being able to verbalize, “I want this and I would love to do it with you.” Letting them know that with them or without them you’ll find a way. Another more business way (and I think I might have gotten this from a chat group) but one woman gave the example of when setting meetings of saying, “I’m available to meet on Tuesday and Thursday from 12:30-4:30 PST. Please let me know which days and times work best for you and we will schedule a brief meeting.” Now the most priceless silk when it comes to setting boundaries is from both a tantra practice and Dr. Kaouthor Darmoni, a wonderful woman teaches a 4,000 matriarchal dance called Dance of the Goddesses. The tantra practice is super simple, take a pillow, lie on your back, bend your legs and place the pillow between your between. Say the word “NO” as you squeeze the pillow. Often this practice has brought me to tears and I’ve had women share with me that the first time that they’ve said the word no is with this practice. Sometimes it wasn’t safe to say no and sometimes we weren’t condition by society to say it. But this opens our door.
Dr. Kathour Darmoni once shared a story during one of her classes that when she was a little girl she Aunt had threatened suicide if she was forced to enter a marriage with a certain man in her village that she didn’t feel comfortable with. Her grandmother held a high position in the village, Dr. Darmoni was a little girl at the time and her grandmother took Dr. Kathour Darmoni with her and went to the circle where all the important men in the village were. She says she’ll always remember it, because she was so tiny and she was sitting next to her grandma in this circle full of men and her grandma announced to these “important men” that her daughter (Dr. Kathour’s aunt) “Will not marry that man.”
Dr. Darmoni says that her grandma’s breasts bellowed as she spoke the words and all these village elders listened to her and indeed her aunt didn’t have to marry that man. So if when your angry speaking from your breasts could save a woman from an arranged marriage what can it do for you?
The second tip that Dr. Kathour Darmoni shares is created what I’ve termed “velvet memories.” The way this works is in private that you rehearse what you are going to say with your velvet moving along with your lips. If you need to know what your velvet it just look between your thighs. So using your velvet and your mouth you start practicing the conversation. I’m still practicing this but what Dr. Darmoni counsels is when in a conversation with the person that you are practicing this conversation for then as you are speaking to them use your velvet. She says that almost every-time she has done this she has won the conversation.
You can be in your feminine without having a man taking care of the home.
And when that happens you can enjoy the beauty of having a man in your home because your femininity isn’t depending on him. You are it already. And that’s what I think I really wanted to share with this blog post. Because even the women hardened by life can still live from their soft renewing feminine essence again.