People tell me that I’m pretty but I’ve always felt like the ugliest girl in the room. Sometimes I wonder why, I wonder why I’m so ugly and as I grow older I wonder why so many woman are intimated by me.
When your younger you think so many people are responding to you in a negative way because of something bad that you did. However as you get older, or rather as I’ve gotten older I’ve slowly, very slowly realized that not every woman is experiencing the shame, the slut shamming, and the ostracization that that’s faced me in every town, every city, and every state that I’ve ever lived (and I’ve lived in a lot of places – each state with their own culture).
My mom and others have told me that the girls are just jealous.
But when I look in the mirror I often wonder what in the world would someone be jealous about me?
My breasts started sagging early (thanks to gaining and losing weight rapidly back when I was a bodybuilder which damaged my breasts – I’m blessed to have them though, breast cancer runs in my family and I’ve had a few scares).
My 4c is uncontrollable and I started going grey at 18.
Although my wrists and ankles are petite my hands are so wide I can almost palm a basketball (which that is an asset) and I’m short – (5’2′.5 if I’m being honest which is never) but my feet are long as hell. When I was little I used to ruefully joke that I have Ronald McDonald’s feet. I’m serious. I used to wear a size 11 running shoe!
I’m not quite sure what their jealous of.
I’ve always been too much.
I met a woman once who was able to physically see the energy that I’m sending off of my body and she told me that my body is giving off a lot of erotic energy, and women who give off a lot of energy are often intimidating to both men and women. But I don’t want to be the one that is intimidating. I want to belong. I had never known what belonging feels like. It’s not that I’m jealous of ones who do, I think it’s beautiful – I would never wish evil on someone just because it was done to me.
Recently I went to therapy…or at least I tried too. It was horrific. The therapist often attacked me, or rather it felt like an attack – I would go into fawn or freeze mode as she was talking to me. I suffered from flashbacks and became so dissociative that I finally pulled out when I had a complete memory break – I couldn’t even remember how to shower or what my password to my bank account was.
And then to make things worse – after struggling to somehow work while being completely disconnected from my body and in a dissociative (which is highly dangerous when you work a job that involves being able to actively make decisions in order to mentally and physically protect my well being), I received an email from my therapists supervisor celebrating the side effects that I was having and telling me that the side effects I experienced meant that therapy is working. I knew it wasn’t normal, yes it’s normal for things to get worse before it gets better but it definitely isn’t normal for therapy to leave a person completely unable to function in their day to day.
So I left therapy, and that might make some people upset to hear but I left therapy right on the floor where I needed it to be. However I left it too late, it had already damaged me, it’s been almost a month and I still struggle to remember and even put the simplest things together. I had to try and do something to help me stopping from dissociating so much, I’m completely alone, no friends or family around me and I need to be in my body.
In the very “Make Life Sparkle” I looked up dance classes in the area. And before I share about my dance class where the body positivity portion comes into play, I had to set this up before I share body positivity experience with you, know that I’m not discounting therapy and that every therapist is different. This was just my experience, however even though I paid a steep, very steep price (in terms of physically) the blessing is that 98% of my cost of therapy was covered for an organization in England who helps people like me, and that I am forever grateful. My contact at this organization was so loving and understanding and after hearing my experience she offered to find alternative therapy methods. After we talked for a bit I felt that I just want to be able to have a “normal” (which when your going through a physical awakening is it ever normal) a normal standard set of being able to remember things again and stop dissociating instead of pushing myself to remember a past that I can’t remember anymore (which I guess is a blessing but it’s also scary).
I found a special for a full weeks of dance classes. And this is the part where I really don’t understand why psychic abilities is actually called a gift because as someone whose slowly experiencing her psychic powers (if that’s what they are) waking up, having the ability to hear people’s thoughts is not a gift. Often I hear it muffled, like your tunning into a channel and your sensing something but not sure, and sometimes it’s delayed which is harder because then I can’t protect myself. I wouldn’t have even needed psychic gifts for my first dance class though. I could feel the other women side eyeing me. And it wasn’t me feeling self conscious. Women have always side eyed me. That’s why I thought I was ugly, and I still do to an extent, the way that most women treat me is just horrible. If I had a diamond for every day a woman has made me cry I would have one of the most glamourous diamond rings in life.
I stood there, not able to remember the moves ( I did a class today and still couldn’t remember the choreography), and I could hear the thoughts of a girl next to me. I won’t tell you what they were.
But I also felt the glances. And I know this sounds like I’m making it up. But here’s the thing, women are the Queen of putting other women down in silent ways. It might be standing in the way, not moving their bodies. Or, the looks up and down (which thankfully I didn’t get a lot of those), just side eyes or harsh blank stares and a few of them made comments, one unfortunately was the teacher but they weren’t at me they were around me.
I get it. I look toned. I have a chronic health illness and have been physically unable to do everything that I used too in my personal trainer days, but the thing is I don’t look like it because I’ve always used – for years whatever energy I have left to do a short workout every morning and a 5 minute one at night and I’ve meal prep my meals every single week for over a decade. Yes I’m sick but I’m still trying to give myself the healthiest base that I could.
I was disacocting, I could feel myself losing contact with my body and so I simply wanted to dance, even though I couldn’t retain the training. The studio said that it was body positivie and so I tried out different classes and I did find classes that were healing and actually body positive. I found teachers who said “This isn’t my class, it’s your class, Don’t look at your neighbor, just look at you.” I took a class with the owner and I could tell that she herself lived the body positive movement. And so even if it wasn’t in every participant or person I began to feel more comfortable and I’m actually going to sign up for more classes! So my story has a happy ending after all.
I just wish I could erase the part that I felt like I didn’t belong. These other women are treating me like I don’t belong, maybe their right – that’s what I actually thought to myself! I was ashamed of myself, because usually I would just show up anyway but I think I was so broken from therapy (and I also felt let down because when I had been so vulnerable with my therapist which isn’t easy for me to do, and I trusted her that she would help me, I had given her my trust that I wouldn’t end up this way).
Some of the women in dance class who had given off the ugly behavior didn’t know any of that. They only knew that this was their sacred space and all of the sudden I showed up. And I looked like I didn’t belong. They were all shapes and sizes and I look toned. I’m a different skin color (which I think came into play because I think some of them felt self concious that a black person who is supposed to have rhythm is watching me dance, I remember hearing one woman’s thoughts at how I wasn’t that good – but yes bitch, I wasn’t. I felt like crying. I love to dance and I couldn’t find the beat as well as I used too).
I have huge sparking hoop earrings and huge hair. I’m a lot. And I get that the world says that there is pretty privilege. I haven’t felt any of the privileges that comes with being pretty, including feeling or being pretty. I met more woman though, and it felt less like mean girls high school (which I was homeschooled so the only mean girl I ever had to deal with was me) but I have had toxic female work experiences and those are horrific.
I found out though that it wasn’t every member and definitely not the studio or the leadership, it’s just that sometimes some women use their insecurities to put others down while others celebrate and that just a few girls doesn’t represent the whole – today I met a gorgeous woman who radiated women loving other women. And I also discovered just how loving, beautiful, and uplifting a lot of the women at the studio are. I took almost every class so I could pick up every vibe. During this week I’ve practiced owning my space, my frequency, and I told myself, “You know what, I’m welcome here. I’m going to walk in as of I’m welcomed.” And I took it a step further even stopped berating myself whenever I ever missed a step, snd instead I loved myself through it, “Whoops, no biggie.” I smiled as I danced and I remembered that the studio was created to have fun. I met the owner and she dazzled with positive energy of a woman who solely created the studio for all women to full embody themselves – all shapes, sizes, and ethnicities of women. And I met some really sweet women there. All in a week.
It has been a rainbow of emotions. This experience taught me a serious lesson about body positivity. Because body positivity tends to be exclusive to a certain group rather inclusive to everyone. And before this, I didn’t know that. I thought that body positivity included me. I was talking with a girlfriend and shared what my experience had been with some of the women and she suggested I look somewhere else (except I can’t easily get to other places).
It was so bad that after a few days I was wondering to myself, these women are treating me like I don’t belong here. Maybe their right.
And that is so far, from what my reaction usually is. And so I just want to share my personal experience with you because maybe the girl next to you who “Looks like she has the perfect body.”
Maybe that girl is trying to find her beat too.