Women have judged my body for as long as I can remember, which has lead to me judging my own body. I wonder if my body were alive, I wonder if she could speak to me – what she would share with me about how the judgement from myself has made her feel? Also I wonder what she would say to me about how I held her hand through the judgement of others on her as well?
Would she feel like I stood by her as the rocks were thrown. Or would my body feel like she was alone and that even the person who wakes up inside of her everyday has even walked away?
When I write these posts or give these tiny sights into my life it’s not just for me, it’s for all of us. To take a moment and reflect if just perhaps what I’m doing to my body, maybe on some small frequency you are doing to yours too. And is there another way to stand by who are as women “Underneath our lingerie.”
I was and to a lot of people unfortunately am the perfume sample that many women wrinkle up their noses at and detest the scent because it is the scent of the innermost fragrance or frequency that is within women. Which all that means is that most women are scents that are found within the outer of the rose, and I’m a scent that comes from deep inside it. It’s like I’m the scent that that is the center
See, underneath a woman’s lingerie is a fragrance or an essence and that’s the secret to her lingerie.
A few years ago I began to get really ill as this new scent or frequency came through. Women, men, even children could sense that I was changing but they couldn’t see it with their eyes. And ever since then they have been reacting to it. I’ve lost coaches, family, mentors, friends – all because of my fragrance. Something that I to this day can’t wash off of my body.
Now that being said I have been blessed to have some coaches, family, mentors, and friends who regardless of what changes were going on within my bottle of my perfume that I couldn’t change – they still loved the woman who carried it. So be that for someone else, love them even if you don’t understand.
Now in the middle of all these metaphysical changes that have been happening to my body I’ve been trying to find and have been struggling to find ways to reconnect the nervous system of my body when my nervous system had to expand to let a much more softer or ethereal nervous system or energy field in (Sidenote: The way that I’m explaining it will most likely change in a few months from now but for right now these are the words that I have).
Something that I have been trying to take up for a couple of years now is dance. I used to love to dance as a child and I thought it would be healthy for me. Unfortunately I suffer from a loss of neural motor connections and memory however since the body herself has a memory I’ve been trying to wake up the memory of my body in a much healthier way vs. my body remembering very painful moments throughout the history of women. And I was hoping that dance would be a safe place to do that however I keep on bumping into the body positivity movement.
See, I don’t look how broken as I am. Especially physically broken. I have a degree of Exercise Science and many years of personal training and some body building too. And so over these past few years as my life has become more and more “Fantasy-like” like and weird and out of control I’ve tried to stick to the things that make me…well me.
And for me that was doing my meal prep every single week. Preparing my chicken every single week like I did in my personal training days. It means dedicating both the beginning and the ending of each day to working out – regardless of how little energy I really have, my body learned to survive at such a low energy level and still be able to workout because that’s what I’ve programmed her into doing. Not because I’m strong, not because I’m healthy, but because for well over a decade I’ve always been the woman who has always given whatever energy she had, even if it was just a crumb to her workouts – and since working out, especially doing my method of opening your jaw as your workout increases, wakes up, and amplifies whatever energy is already in your body. Even if it is only a drop.
Another thing that I’ve held onto style. I’ve spent most of these past few years being bedridden. Not being completely jailed to my bed but mostly, able to get up somedays for only a few moments, sometimes I’ve been too weak to climb up the stairs to use the bathroom, and other days I’ve had enough energy to work for a few days and then rest the rest of the day. Which is why I’ll always be grateful for the type of work that I do because while people demonize my type of work, it’s allowed me to be completely on bedrest while healing, and I don’t think I could have ever made it without becoming a part of the adult industry. And when it comes to style – my motto is, that it is way better to be stuck in bed with red lipstick on and a flower that sparkles in your hair than being bare faced. And since I have too, like every other human being in the world put on clothes anyway – why not wear the most gorgeous dress? Why be ill and look ill? When I could be ill and look fabulous. At least that’s my rational.
Sadly I think I lot of women compare themselves to me but I don’t think they realize that their comparing themselves to a broken person who just loves eating healthy moves and dressing pretty because it’s her identity. For a long time I even dressed down to minimize the hate but for some reason doing that only amplifies it and to this day I can’t figure out why.
Which brings me back to dance. I was hoping it would bring me a moment of freedom in my body. However I think that because (I’ve been told by others) I look like certain standard of beauty it’s brought a lot of hate. Some women see me coming, abs, booty shorts, large hoop earrings, flowing hair and judge the crap out of me, “show me up” and make life harder. Which – is another thing, these women are also wearing booty shorts. To this day I don’t get why I’m treated different. I remember working at Victoria’s Secret and at the store we are allowed to dress sexy. Professional and sexy, they gave us rules and even encouraged us to show off some of the bodysuits under a blazer for example so it still had a semi professional look. Something that gave the allure the mystery of womanhood that Victoria’s Secret is with class and style. And I always got judged so much harsher by customers than my colleagues for my sex appeal or sensual allure. I’ve never understood it. Mind you, the customers are my angels and any of my co-workers can tell you I literally die for my angels so most of them were my best friends. But I was always under this microscope. And I knew it sounds like I’m making it up. I know it sounds like victim mindset. But I’m a victim of who I naturally am.
I show up to these dance classes and because of what I’ve been through I do have a hard time finding the beat, I have a hard time identifying the rhythm, and unfortunately I can sometimes literally hear the thoughts of others (reading people’s minds definitely looks cooler in the movies then when you actually wake up with the capability of doing it). This shit is like X-men going wrong.
I just want to wear a flower in my hair and enjoy myself, to wipe the pain away, and to not sure of a way to “Come home to my wings” while others are trying to beat them down. There are some moments where I can feel my wings expand and those are the most life giving moments in the world.
To anyone who has ever felt judged I urge you to walk into with an attitude that “I am welcome here” and remind yourself as many times as you need too.
Every time you mess up a dance step just shake your head and giggle and laugh instead of being hard on your body for accidently taking a left step. It’s just a left step and they’ll be many more actual left steps in your life.
Take a moment to sink deep into a song and meld into the music.
Just like I’ve had bad dance experiences I’ve also had wonderful ones. And the wonderful ones wake up parts of my womb that I’ve never woken up before – like cosmic galaxies that I never knew existed and never visited before.
If your dance class is dark (I look for the dark dance classes) use the darkness to tap into a part of your sensually energy that you’ve never felt self tapping into before – especially in a world full of men.
One of my favorite healing dancing practices is a silly sounding one – it’s taking a pillow and covering your body as you do a body roll with your lower hips. It’s almost like because this area of your body is hidden it allows her to move more.
Instead of judging another women’s movement during dance be in wonder on how the music within the dance shows through her body and cheer her on.
Finally allow your body to release the energy that she is – because your body just like the music is a vibration.
As women we are so healed when we dance together uninhibited with other women. So if your first dance class doesn’t work out then heal and try and another and another one. Until eventually you find the studio that is you.
