my spiritual awakening story of being eve.

Spiritually there is a lot to gain from having women believing that they are wearing the body of a woman who messed up than the body of a goddess.

A few years ago I started experiencing unexplainable happenings to my body and these changes continued for 7 years. It’s gotten so bad that even though I’ve created this blog as you can see there are very few pictures of me and I’ve kept everything on here very “general”, powerful stories that every woman can wear but at the same time protecting who I am because I believe that I owe it to myself to live out the rest of whatever is happening out to me in private.

Some of the changes involve something under my skin starting to glow – similar to when it says in the Bible that Moses’s face started to glow after receiving the 10 commandments and his experience at the burning bush – except unlike in the story of Moses glow being revered mine was highly sexualized by men. I would wonder why others didn’t see it.

I had another change too my eyes were vibrating. And a few months later my body started to smell like sex.

There were other changes happening as well, however for me to share what I just did is extremely vulnerable. Right now I’m just trying to survive this.

My body is scared.

Mentally I’m freaked out.

And the only reassurance is a vision that I was given halfway through (or what I hope will be  halfway through) my transformation, I was given this “vision” if you can call it that a few years ago.

Another symptom is what I’m going through is extremely painful (my entire body is vibrating and it is throwing my nervous system completely off), I used to be a trainer who would lead large bootcamps, I have a little brother who had special needs – spent most of my life learning about the human body and ways to defy what the doctors said his limitations would be, being homeschooled I researched everything. I went to college for Exercise Science, my mom’s a nurse. See I’m not the average person -the average person doesn’t spend hours designing workout routines just for fun and is obsessed about learning about the human body and high performance.

I was.

Or I used to be.

Now I just want the shit that’s happening to my body to stop. We won’t even go into how women treat me, I’ve literally lost friends, mentors, and my relationships, some very personal ones will never be the same all because of something that I have no control. I call this blog Underneath Your Lingerie but I feel like a freak underneath because I am one. I’ve never met or read of anyone in the world going through anything like this. While yes there are outliers, I’ve never heard of anything this weird.

As the changes continued to progress I don’t remember where I was at the time, maybe my car (between I miss you, my beautiful camry – you did really well by me babe xoxo). All I remember is crying out, “What is happening to my body?” I was sobbing, my entire body was shaking and that day was one of those days where looking back it was like someone or something was making sure that I was in my rawest state so that I could receive the message. Because that day everything went wrong in a way that was beyond normally bad (even for me). I had just been crying, completely broken and still was – I didn’t understand why things were continuing to be worse by 100 fold. And then that night I had a dream about the garden of Eden. I refer to it as a vision because up until then and never since then have I had a dream where that was so life like and vibrant while also storylike.

I could tell that I was in the garden of Eden immediately because the scene I was looking at looked exactly how I the garden of Eden was shown in the book for Sunday School class (I was raised in a very extreme religion). There was no Adam. In fact I got the feeling – or intution that there was no Adam (which I still don’t know how to explain). I rationalized it away that he was just somewhere else in the garden….I still do today, even though I know what I saw and more what I didn’t see.

There was Eve standing by a tree with an apple in her hand, her hand was bobbing from side to side (like the old drawings in book) – except (and this is the first thing I noticed) she had glowing skin just like mine. My first reaction (and I guess this is the fitness trainer side of me pepping out) even though I had spent years being humiliated and suffering both mentally, psychically, and financially from the changes that my body was going through – was pure…I don’t know the word – adoration? Excitement? Because unlike mine my personal change that I was beginning to see in which just my face was glowing Eve’s entire body was glowing.

And I had a moment of, “What my body can look like that???! Forget this body!” It wasn’t even greed, all I knew was if that just my face was glowing and if the body was capable of a glow that ….for lack of a better word, “intense” I wanted it too.

Now where Eve differed from the book that I had seen as a little child in Sunday School (and any picture I’ve ever seen of her), is that she had long black hair – it definitely wasn’t 4c ( minor teaching moment from a place deep full of love – Black hair curl patterns have a combination of letters that we use to describe the curl pattern of our hair and 4c is extremely curly). Eve’s hair was completely straight. Which made me wonder – not because I’ve never seen straight her like that but that the part that I conveniently left out Eve was me and the only way I can get my hair like that is by wearing a wig.

All of the trees in the garden had a vibrancy glow to them, just like Eve’s body did and I know there’s a much deeper meaning behind this but to this day I couldn’t tell you what it was.

What I can tell you though is that yes there was a tree (there was many but yes Eve was standing by a tree).

Yes there was a snake  looped around one of the branches of the tree – just like the Sunday School books.

The apple in Eve’s hand had a bite in it which is going to make what I’m going to say next sound weird but the moment that I saw Eve I realized something. Even with the bite in apple, I still knew.

Eve never bit the apple.

In every exhortation (that’s what my church that I belonged too growing up refers to sermons or talks as) and in every talk I’ve ever heard, including the one’s that I heard Sarah Jakes Roberts preach about last Sunday in her latest sermon (she feels a special tie to Eve and preaches about her a lot). And don’t get me wrong – I listen to SJR every Sunday while I do my yoga and feed my ears something spiritual for the week. Although even though I’m feeling my ears something spiritual at the same time my spirit stands apart. Because in my vision Eve had this childlike innocence to her. Not naughty. She wasn’t doing anything wrong. You know when your cradling a newborn babe and you look into their eyes? Well that was Eve.

Even with the bite in the apple I knew that Eve never bit the apple.

I almost want to say…and I know this could turn the entire conversation for a loop to even make this analogy, but Eve reminded me of a kitten. A lot of people, energy systems, and I’m sure even things that are way outside of the spectrum of what I know is out there have benefited from the opposite of the story being told.

I don’t know if this message was a message from my womb or from another place. 

I try to share lingerie designs (stories) that every woman can wear. And because this one is so unique I’ll end it here. It’s a story that I can’t necessarily give to the Christian woman or to the witch.

The day before I had that breakout day where everything was following apart my girlfriend Ana had sent me a TikTok video of Asherah, I played nice about it and mentally dismissed the video.

Then I had the vision.

Later I learned that Asherah was the holy spirit which explained the glow to my skin.

There’s so much more I could share but frankly I’m tired, I just want to be alone. Not a freak. Just a woman who can breath.

Spiritually there has been a lot to gain from women believing that they are living in the body of a woman who has messed up than in the body of a goddess. Maybe now is the time to tune into your heart and take a second look.


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