Recently I’ve been trying to revive my dancing spirit. As a little girl I loved twirling to the music and as a woman I feel like the music unlocks my body. When it comes to taking dance classes however recently they’ve been very scary experiences for more and a few weeks ago the studio that I had been dancing at for the past 9 months kicked me out.
The “mean girls” in this case wasn’t another student in my dancing class but the owner of the dance studio along with the two managers of the dance studio ( one of which who unfortunately lives right across the street from me). This story is so crazy I can’t make this up.
It all began after I had a horrible experience in therapy, my therapist tried to remove the trauma too roughly and I was left completely dissociated and also struggling with a neurological breakdown ( which she said wasn’t related to therapy however I personally feel that talk therapy isn’t the best for some people depending on the trauma because it can leave them worse off ). It feels so vulnerable to share here just how bad off I really was and a lot of it I’ll
keep private I’ll just share it was so bad I even had a hard time taking a shower.
I immediately stopped therapy ( I need to ground in the present not the past , at least until I can return into my body). And in desperation to find a way to stop the disassociation I turned to dance. Now I was nervous to do this, I haven’t had the best experiences with women and in such a vulnerable state I was unable to protect myself. Some of the women sensed that and took advantage of it but after taking and trying out all the classes I eventually connected with two teachers who saw that I desperately needed help and in their own way they tried to nurse me back to health while not making it to obvious for the rest of the class.
This is a long story short ( and because I’m still healing from what was done to me I won’t go too deep into it), as I healed a more and more sensual woman started to emerge from my body. I didn’t plan on this woman being inside me. I didn’t ask her to be. And I also don’t notice what other people are noticing about me – it’s kind of like having green skin that I can’t see. I start dancing and other people start putting their hands up like I’m scaring them, or looking at me in a scary way, or sometimes even making comments or guttural noises. So I know that it’s tied to the way that I dance but I can’t actually see it myself.
The other women were so turned off by me that they started avoiding the dance classes that they knew I would be in ( even though my intuition gave me a nudge that this was happening I didn’t realize to what extent it was happening until later ). A lot of my classes were with the same teacher because she was the one who had been able to read in between the lines of the way that I danced and see that the way that I dance was a cry for help. This teacher and I bonded in a way that I’ve never bonded with another person and I think a part of our bonding was because we couldn’t talk to each other. I learned this the hard way. So in place of talking and interacting in the way that the other instructors normally would with their students before and after class she would encourage me with whispers when no one else was around, or with high fives ( those were while others were around and I think a mistake because it mad others jealous that they weren’t getting the same attention) but most of the time it was just me silently showing up to her class and knowing that even if she was pretending not to notice me she was still watching over me and making sure that I was okay.
The other teacher who also was instrumental in my healing taught heels classes – which were extremely mentally challenging for me because the more I tried to concentrate on the routine the more I dissociate however this teacher was able to see that I was traumatized on some level and she offered me guided support in a way that was soft and gentle, very professional,but also reinforced the message for me to stand up for myself while maintaining boundaries between us and her and the class ( which in such a vulnerable state I definitely needed ).
As I healed my body became more and more sensual. Without me even trying to make it such. Back in the beginning, when I didn’t even know the steps I had noticed that students were focusing on following me instead of the teacher ( I think they just sensed my personal trainer presence and were responding to it). In order to fix things the owner of the studio decided to first humiliate me by having my favorite dance teacher ( the first one I told you about ) completely ignore me – it’s a process called buck breaking, in history when a Black person wasn’t acting the way a White person wanted them too or wasn’t acting the norm they would ” Buck break them ” and so they knowing I was close to my favorite instructor told her to buck break me ( although I’m sure they didn’t use those words I’m sure they told her to “Tone me down.”)
And it worked. I was shattered. And I cancelled my membership. And because I don’t know when to quit – this happened to me on Tuesday and I went back on Saturday because I had paid $179 for this membership and I still had a little over a week of it left. I don’t need my teacher to acknowledge my presence to dance.
And Saturday was actually better, she was much kinder to me and worked the room. I tried my best to talk to others but if you see my other post about experiencing racism in dance class, I’m naturally a shy and quiet person. Add to it that I also have chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia and that I struggle with neuromotor connections and motor skills. Top it off with the icing that doing chorography makes me disassociated. It’s really a mess up recipe to force someone to integrate with the white students when really it’s not about white or black – I’m just a woman who paid $179/month for the past 9 months and had taken over 90 sessions (with almost none of the other instructors trying to get to know me) and they were trying to force me to be a certain way. But I’ll get off my soapbox about that.
I had standards though so I left the studio (more to come on that). And here’s the weirdest detail about me leaving that will later become a very important part the story of my dancing saga. Two days before my membership was due to end they had a manager from another one of their studios email me and offer me $19 off if I didn’t cancel my membership. Now I didn’t even respond to the email because I was so upset and I knew that at the moment silence would be the better answer but the reason why I’m sharing this is because from that email it would be safe to assume that if for any reason if I wanted too, I could go back? Right? Wrong.
Okay, this is the point in the story where if you don’t believe in spiritual awakenings, psychic gifts, or the neuroscience behind being able to telepathically hear other people that it is time to “leave the chat.”
You know how people say, “Oh so and so ears must have been buzzing or their ears must have been ringing because they called just after I talked about them?”
Well the same thing was happening to me, except telepathically. I kept on hearing and knowing that I was being talked about but not being able to specifically make out what they were saying.
For the first two weeks though I was so raw from what they did to me that I barely left my house. I still needed a way to sweetly move my energy through my body so I turned to YouTube dance videos and since my body was used to dancing at specific times I tried to do them at the time frames that I would have been dancing. It was nice but nothing could replicate a dance studio and so after 2 weeks I desperately started searching for a place to dance. But the problem is that this is the only dance studio that I can walk too and I since I have chronic fatigue and don’t have a car it’s really hard to have the energy to travel to a dance class and then dance while I’m there and deal with the energy of the class itself and others (some people are nice and others aren’t and as my other post shares often when I dance I face extra judgements from others) and then to travel back. For example – fast forwarding from the past to the present here, last Sunday it took me 40 minutes to get to pole dancing class, then I took a 50 minute class. I rushed out of there to try and catch the bus but missed it- the bus on Sundays only comes hourly and so I had to either wait an hour or walk to another bus stop that was almost 25 minutes away and then take two buses to get home. For someone with chronic fatigue and fibromyaliga that’s impossible. Wel it is possible because I did it but my body was completely wrecked the day after.
I’m so ashamed to admit that I gave the studio more money but I was so tired from traveling to all these different dance classes and being too tired to dance that I caved and tried doing just a single dance class with my original dance instructor. I wanted to have the experience of going to dance class with the energy to dance. I also wanted to know – since the Saturday that she had been nicer to me had been better than the day I had been put through that humiliation ritual if it would be better. And the class went well, it’s just that I had so much anger at how I had been treated that physically I couldn’t enjoy the class.
Before my armor was put on for class, I had showed up to the studio traumatized and shaken because I had trusted my dance teacher so much and put my healing into her hands and been so hurt by her actions that even though I was there I was not okay. God works in heavenly ways and the woman who checked me, when I whispered my name to her she could see how traumatized I was and her eyes got really sad. And that’s when I realize that she knew what they had done to me. And she also knew part of my story and that I wasn’t a threat because a few weeks ago, before everything went south she had complemented me on my dress. I was showing up to dance but I always wore dresses on me way to and from dance class. And so she complemented me on my dress. And I proudly told her how in Texas there was a huge store with beautiful dresses that were only $8 and that I had bought it there.
The instructor was standing there (I knew she was from Texas but I hadn’t told her that I had roots there too) and she asked more about where I was from and that’s when I shared my story with them about losing my little brother and hearing the call to move to Texas and how I travelled across the country with everything I owned in my camry and how I transferred my Victoria’s Secret job from Maryland to Texas and then again to Florida as I’ve travelled. Now I’m not an open but at the same time I don’t believe that God gave me my story just for me. And when I use the word God, know that I don’t believe in him (at least not presently, I used too) but I feel like it makes the story easier to read if I use his name.
That was just a giant segway but something about how that instructor responded made me realize that she knew what had been done to me and that she didn’t agree with it. A few hours after class I received another psychic download that a manager or owner had looked at the schedule and realized that I had taken the class but (at least at that time) I didn’t feel anything negative in terms of emotion from her (I so wish I couldn’t do this but sometimes I can feel people’s emotions).
and my body was wilting. Dance had been so healing for me. So reviving. And everyday I didn’t dance I was getting crankier and crankier without moving the energy through my body.
I dance in my room (like Cameron Diaz in Charlie’s Angels haha) and I dance around the house and also have done youtube dance classes online but there’s something incomparable to dancing in a dance studio. And slowly as I danced, danced began to heal me.
One of my favorite goddess stories is a story of Oshun and the pumpkin patch, it’s the first goddess story I’ve ever heard, I haven’t shared it on this blog yet but the moral of the story is that what hurts you heals you and I feel like that’s at the part I am at right now.
See I was never given any leway as a Black dancer people looked to me to see if I knew had to move, copy my movements, or put me down. I guess I became a threat to the instructors. I’m just a woman trying to heal and I really wish that the beautiful safe container that they gave to others they gave to me.
Instead I had an instructor grind on me (that felt incredibly, incredibly violating).
One of the star instructors highlighted me when I did dance moves wrong.
It literally is like I was their “pick a part” Barbie.
Which I know it’s so easy to say “Okay, stop going.”
But not every class was bad.
Until it was.
And even then…I’m so embarressed to say this but I was (and still am) addicted to dance.
The movement.
The freedom (even in an oppressive environment).
The parts of me that were slowly coming together.
For once not feeling like the poor out of place (even though they really didn’t include me which I totally was okay with) kid who couldn’t afford dance classes or the 30+ almost 40 year old woman still trying to get her life back on track. I was just me.
Just me and the rhythm.
Me and the beat.
I had one instructor that I got close too and I’m not going to go into the details here because I’m still dealing with this internationally. I really wish she hadn’t structured any of the routines to me or given me any preferential treatment because it made me more of the target and now she’s been given the job of putting me down and taking me apart – which she does. The studio decided to “Blackball” me, or really the correct term is Buckbreaking because what they did to me is so much more gross than black balling and they used her to do it. Which is humiliating I’m sure for her too however at the end of the day it’s me along with broken music notes in my hands (and I know I’m waxing poetic vs. going into the details). But I want to keep my dignity and so in order to do that I’ll just cry quietly under the covers than writing about it on the internet…even though I’m somewhat doing it.
But back to Oshun, “What hurts you, heals you.” This woman reminded me who I was. She reminded me of my Texas roots. Both through belief in me and then pain.
Unfortunately an old wound of mine is that along my journey (I’ve traveled the country looking for a new vibration to break old family molds, to bring healing and in search of it in my body) I’ve met different teachers or guides along the way – literally my life could be a movie and it would make a good one. I used to be homeschooled and so I’m very “Self study”, very strong willed and not asking for any help however in my brokenness I’ve known to ask for it and sometimes I’m so weak and vulnerable that when other people see the potential in my powers and step in to shape them what usually happens is that they get too scared once they realize what my powers are and shut them down therby shutting me down in the process.
It’s the worst feeling in the world. I remember my very first coach had been there and opened my door to a spiritual awakening left me high and dry once she figured out that she was accepted within a group but I wasn’t because “I’m just too much.”
And the thing is I don’t know how to shut the too much down. Believe me, I’ve tried too. I know this sounds like an oxymoron but I’ve also tried to accept the too much parts all the while confused about what part of me is too much.
I wonder what it would be like to have someone see the way that people treat me and to literally not give up on me because of it. It’s not that I need a savor. I don’t, I have me. It’s just funny because I preach and talk about the soft girl life but I don’t think people understand how magical it is that I do that because I’ve been shown so much the opposite of it. I just decided to romanticize my journey.
Which leads me to tips, to solutions, because I don’t want this to be a post just of me complaining. Here are a few things that I’ve done to help my spirit as I try to recover from dance. I hope in some small way they can help you too because I wish dance classes, yoga classes, etc. were open relaxing spaces where women can connect but even when I tried searching for other spaces for myself to be I kept running into different “Off” experiences and walls. Last week though I encountered somewhere Beautiful. The owner of a new studio told me to stay away from the dance fitness places and she told me “Welcome home.” I don’t know how she knew that they were dangerous. But they shredded my soul. I’ve been crying for weeks. What they did and are doing is just that bad.
And I get frustrated because even when I tried something different like taking yoga by the sea – the student next to me went out of the way to make yoga hard for me instead of focusing on the entire OCEAN to her right?! It’s like do you know how many people would pay big money for this experience that we’re all getting for $20? It’s incredible.
Even in other dance places, I went to another dance studio that also offered twerk classes for example and it was the same damn thing – it was racial. The black instructor catered to the white students and I could tell she wanted to help me out (as a personal trainer you can pick up on other things) but whenever she came over to me I could tell the others felt like she was being exclusive. I could also tell that she was upset about how they other students were treating me in class but couldn’t do anything about it. And so I decided that if I’m going to go through the same experience as my old studio I might as well have it from someone I know and like their training style so I went back to the old studio and it was like a bomb went off.
The other students weren’t happy to have me back.
The managers were freaking out.
It was tense.
All I wanted to do was dance. Dance to me is like having a gorgeous flower in my hair and sometimes without dancing it feels like I’m without air.
Dance is meant to be freedom.
Expression.
I’m beyond glad of the one studio that I did find to dance at. It’s a much different type of dance though – so it’s not just a move your body to basic steps vs. heels on the pole which is definitely healing in the scariest but sexiest of ways – especially because my erotic energy is often beat from body which is frankly why I think I’m having so much trouble in these different dancing spaces. When I start to dance an erotic creature, a very sensual woman emerges and it scares people but I just don’t know how to stop the sensuality flowing through my body so I think it will be healing on that half but it’s also hard because it’s not a put on the music and move. Which as someone who struggles with basic motor skills sometimes you simply need basic dance on the floor, no choreography just simple steps to the music. And that’s been taken away from me.
So to the person reading this if you’ve ever been through a dancing saga like me I just want to say that I’m sorry. To paraphrase the famous line from Dirty Dancing “Nobody is ever supposed to put Baby in a corner and everybody is supposed ot have the time of the life.”
So to anyone who has ever been “”Put in the corner,” for being too sensual, too erotic, too timid, or even too much on the dance floor. This post is for you.
Here are 7 tips for still gifting yourself “The time of your life” while on the dance floor…